


The Commander Shepard Galactic Readiness In Case Of Some Super Reaper Bullshit Plan

by cookie_rock



Category: Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Gen, Humor, Minor Shepard/Garrus or Shepard/Liara depending on how you read it, N7 Day, POV First Person, Paragade (Mass Effect), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Shepard's gender is deliberately nonspecific, Ted Talks - Freeform, nonspecific ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-09
Updated: 2018-10-09
Packaged: 2019-07-28 09:55:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,474
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16239245
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cookie_rock/pseuds/cookie_rock
Summary: Some number of years after saving the Milky Way, Commander Shepard is asked to give a TED Talk. What follows is the transcript, preserved in Citadel Archives as an important piece of Galactic History.





	The Commander Shepard Galactic Readiness In Case Of Some Super Reaper Bullshit Plan

  _[Video opens with Commander Shepard walking to center stage, wearing pajama pants, mismatched socks, and t-shirt that says "My Other Ride is the Mako," and carrying a mug. Shepard waves to the standing-ovation crowd, takes a long drink from the mug, then steps up to the podium and holds up their free hand for silence]_

Hi, hey, hi. _[cheering]_ Yeah, ok, settle down. Um, hi. My name is Commander Fuckin' Shepard, Alliance Navy. Welcome to my TED Talk. Before you ask, yes, my name is actually “Fuckin.” I had it changed on the advice of my publicist firm, Nought and Vega PR. I highly recommend their services, by the way. They're great, and they take payment in cigarettes and whiskey. You may know me from my greatest hits, which include being the first human Spectre, hilariously hanging up on the Council and then heroically saving them from certain doom, kicking ass all the way through the Omega 4 Relay, stabbing that little bitch The Illusive Man, being awesome, and saving the entire goddamned galaxy three times. _[glances offstage as if seeking confirmation]_ Actually, babe, how many times have I saved the galaxy? _[back to the audience]_ 'Cause I _definitely_ foiled the Reapers' plans three separate times, or four if you count The Arrival, but there's some, like, debate? About whether that should count as saving the galaxy one big time, or three slightly less big times? Regardless, though, you're all welcome.

It wasn't easy doing what I did, ya know. I made some friends, right, and met the love of my live, and got some sweet model ships, but I also lost a lot of people—RIP, Anderson, Ashley, Mordin, Thane, Legion, that little kid, most of the batarians in the galaxy, half the people of Earth, most of Thessia, Conrad Verner—and got some weird fucking scars, and ever since I died in the cold vacuum of space I can't taste coffee, which is one reason this mug is full of tequila. The other reason is my crippling PTSD.

By the way, if you can't read this mug, you know what it says? “Biotics do it better.” That is so fucking true. Like, have you ever fucked a magic space marine who's still a little bit weird about your close friendship with the blue alien you may or may not have slept with one time? Let's just say—

 _[a pause. Commander Shepard puts their free hand to their earpiece]_ I'm being told that...I was not brought here to brag about my sex life. _[throat clearing]_ Ok. Sorry. You're right. I'm here to talk about... _[reaches into pocket, removes scrap of paper, reads it, and then crumples it and drops it]_ oh, Galactic Readiness. Right. Of course! I totally know all about Galactic Readiness! 

I already saved your asses three times, or one time. It doesn't matter how many times. What matters is that the Reapers have been Dealt With. But what if there's something else? Something bigger? Like, fuck, I don't know, a fucking Super Reaper? Why not? They did it in Star Wars! First movie, “Oh no, a Death Star! That's bad!” Third movie, “Oh shit, a bigger Death Star! That's even worse!” Seventh movie, “Oh holy God, a long-distance Death Star that sort of sucks energy from stars??” How many Star Wars movies are there now, like 75? It seems like they bring around a new Death Star every five or so just to see if we're still paying attention. So what if there are like even bigger Reapers out there? Fucking long-distance Reapers? What are you gonna do then?  
  
'Cause look, people, listen: I am retired. R-E-T-I-R-E-D. I put _years_ of my life into this Reaper bullshit, and did I mention that I died? Which, by the way, word of advice, if you ever die alone in the cold vacuum of space and then get brought back to life two years later by a shady, xenophobic organization with an apparently unlimited budget...call your boyfriend, ok? He does not need to learn that you are alive because he happened to walk into one of the 50 stores you endorsed on the Citadel. _[looking offstage again]_ That was my bad, babe. _[back to the audience]_ Also, related, if anyone has died and then come back to life, please let me know if I should be collecting back pay or life insurance, because _somebody_ owes me some money, but there has been some confusion as to who.

ANYWAY, if something attacks the galaxy again, I'm not helping. I'm fucking done. You cannot call me--well, you can call me, but I will be very busy lying on the beach, making out with my space boyfriend, writing Blasto fanfiction, drinking tequila out of a coffee mug, and sometimes screaming in terror as my horrific memories overwhelm me, ok, I will not be available to save the galaxy again. It is psychologically and physically a very bad idea. My army of doctors and therapists were very clear on that point. It's up to all of you. So with that in mind, if I could please have the first slide...

_[Commander Shepard turns to the large projector screen, on which the following is displayed]_

_**The Commander Shepard Galactic Readiness In Case Of Some Super Reaper Bullshit Plan** _

_**Tonight:** _

_Go Home_  
_Do a pushup_  
_Then do like 500 more pushups_

Pretty simple, right? Just go home and do some pushups as a warmup for what's to come. Sounds pretty easy compared to some of the shit I've managed to pull off, for instance one time I headbutted--

_[From somewhere in the audience: unintelligible]_

Sorry, what? [ _Audience member: "What about you? What are you going to do when you get home?"]_ What am I going to do when I get home? I'm going to take a truckload of anxiety meds and then fuck my space boyfriend! I can already do 1,000 pushups and then immediately beat James Vega's pullup record, bro! I out-sniped Garrus Vakarian! I brokered peace between the quarians and the geth using only the power of my Disappointed Parent Voice! I saved the fucking galaxy! YOU go do pushups! God, do I have to do _everything_ for you people? What, do you want me to fuck _your_ space boyfriend too? God _damn_.

_[a pause. Commander Shepard drains the contents of their mug]_

Anyway. Next slide please. 

This is the daily plan. I want you all to follow this every single day. I will know if you don't, because before I cut ties with them I had Miranda use Cerberus' apparently unlimited budget to plant bugs in every single human residence in the galaxy. 

 _**Daily Plan:** _  
_Pushups – 500 OBO_  
_Pullups – 100_  
_Target practice – six hours MINIMUM_  
_review Official Commander Shepard How To Recognize A Threat To All Organic Life Before It's Too Fucking Late Flash Cards – $5.99 plus S &H and applicable taxes_  
_Build lots of big-ass spaceships_

Now, before you ask, I don't know what kind of spaceships to build. I'm a fantastic sniper, a hell of a good driver, and a goddamned intergalactic hero, but I'm not a person who knows how to build spaceships. 

Next slide, please. 

 _**Other Acceptable Pastimes:** _  
_leaving nice comments on Commander Shepard's Blasto fanfiction_  
_Writing thank you notes to Commander Fuckin' Shepard, c/o Some Beach Somewhere_  
_calling the Council and hanging up_  
_therapy_  
_sex with Major Alenko (Shepard + invited guests only)_

And now--next slide--here's the big one:

_**CONSTANT VIGILANCE** _

_[Commander Shepard points their finger at the audience]_ Do not make me say this twice, ok? Be on your guard. Figure this shit out. Pay attention to the signs, and stop this shit before it happens again. Because look. If I absolutely have to come out of retirement to save the galaxy again, I will, but then I will kill  _each and every single one of you_.  

But don't worry, ok? If you follow my plan, I feel good about our chances. _[Commander Shepard stares into their empty mug, as if into the void, their eyes vacant, their hands shaking just perceptibly. The audience is silent. There is a long pause]_ Well, no, that's...not true, that's totally a lie. I have very deep emotional scars from fighting the Reapers and I don't feel good about anything anymore, but— _[Shepard shrugs]_ oh hell, just look, everybody follow my plan and we should totes be ok, right? Right! Great! Go team! Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk! 

 _[there is a pause. Commander Shepard puts their free hand to their earpiece and whispers]_ Huh? Are you--are you fucking _kidding_ me? You want me to--ok. Fine. But you are doubling my fee.  _[Commander Shepard straightens up and addresses the audience]_  I'm Commander Shepard...and... _[heaves a sigh]_ I should go.

_[applause]_

_[end transcript]_


End file.
